Author’s note: Yeeeeah… Another Pata-Fic… (Of course I’m crazy about him!) This time it’s written from his point of view. Wanted to try something new, please tell me what you think of it! (No, not only about this point of view but about the whole story… ^.^)

*Peeeeep* *peeeeep* *peeeeep* *peeeeep*

When I open my eyes this morning, the first thing I see are the huge green eyes of my cat, who is standing on my chest, obviously wanting to be fed. Sleepily I check my watch – 7:30 am. Far too early for me to get up… “Meow!!!” Kotaro-chan looks at me reproachfully. Sighing I crawl out of my comfortable, warm bed and slowly trot into the kitchen, my head throbbing with a headache. Damn alcohol… While preparing the cat’s food I try to remember why I had set my alarm clock this early. Which day was it anyway? I don’t really care about the date these days, now that X is dead and I don’t have anything to do. It feels empty… The days just pass by, nothing happens at all – except a few days ago. I still don’t understand, I can’t believe it… It all seems so unreal, like a bad joke. hide, the guy I’ve known for more than 15 years, this wonderful, bright person, he just can’t really be dead! He was so full of life, so full of energy… It’s just so not like him, killing himself all of a sudden…
Suddenly I remember. May 7th - today is hide’s funeral. I don’t want to think of it, but I can’t help it - hide had been too big a part of my life as if I just could stop thinking of him now. I wonder how Yoshiki feels now… Poor guy… He had been so close to hide… And now he lost a beloved person again… Wasn’t his father the same age when he died, about 33?

I almost jump as my telephone starts ringing, cutting through the silence like a blade. I let it ring a few times. I’m not in the mood to talk; it’s too early in the morning to bother people, right? But it doesn’t stop ringing – must be important… I finally pick it up, murmuring a tired <<Moshi Moshi>>. It’s Heath. He sounds really bad, actually only wanting to remember about the funeral but starting to cry after a few words. I try to comfort him as much as I can, talking to him calmly, gently… Heath is like a younger brother to me, sometimes even like a son, always asking me for advice when he has problems. I wonder why all the people think I’m that strong, always having myself and everything else under control, when it’s just the opposite. I don’t have anything under control…
I let out a heavy sigh as I open the fridge with shaky hands to grab some beer, not able to ignore my body’s demanding any longer. I curse myself for having ever started to drink. When we were young we used to party a lot, almost every day, or at least after every show we played. We would drink until we were completely plastered, not able to think about what we were doing any more, having the fun of our lives. The next morning we often couldn’t remember a thing, but it didn’t matter at all. Sometimes we would make drinking contests, wanting to see who could take the most, but after a while it started getting boring. Everybody knew that I would win. Not even hide could ever drink me under the table. It was fun at first, but it all started getting sour when I realized that I couldn’t stop drinking any more… Day after day I’d come to the rehearsals either smashed or with a hangover. I was so scared that Yoshiki might find out… Of course he did. Everyone did. I wasn’t able to hide things any longer - it was just too obvious. One day after rehearsal he walked over to me, grabbed me at my sleeve and kinda dragged me outside to his car, saying nothing but <<We need to talk>>. I was shaking all over, and it was hard to tell whether it was from fear or from the lack of alcohol. I thought that he’d kick me out of the band instantly, but instead he had told me that he was concerned about me and wanted to help me… First, I had refused to even admit that I was in trouble, but then I accepted his help. A few months I was strong enough to quit, but after a while I couldn’t take the withdrawal symptoms any longer and started to drink again. I’ve always been weak, and this was the moment I regretted it most… Lately I can’t even help starting to drink early in the morning. Like right now. It’s not past 8 am, and I’m already at my second beer… Sometimes I think I can’t stand it anymore, this endless circle of being drunk and hung over… Luckily I don’t get hangovers that easily, I’m almost immune against them. Or maybe I’m just too numb to notice… But yesterday I drank far more than usual, trying to forget about hide’s death. It was no good. Drinking reminded me of hide too much. We always used to go out together, but now I was alone. Of course I could have called Yoshiki to accompany me – I’m sure he also went out to the pubs – but… he somehow scares me, he always did…

Kotaro-chan must have noticed that I’m sad. She rubs against my legs, looking at me through her beautiful, stern eyes, so I sit down beneath her on the cold kitchen floor, petting the little cat. My head hurts like hell now – I shouldn’t think that much, it only makes things worse… Kotaro purrs as I stroke her little head, giving me a little warm feeling inside. I really love her… She always makes me feel better when I’m sad and lonely… Well, I’m always lonely, especially now after hide had died… I have never had real friends; I’m too shy to have friends. I don’t like to talk a lot, but you’re supposed to talk to your friends, right?

I check my watch again, deciding I should get ready to go since I really don’t want to be late today. Just can’t do that to hide… I get up, my vision slightly blurred, and go back to my bedroom. Where’s this fucking suit? Didn’t wear something like that for ages… Gods, I feel so strange in it… It’s a miracle that it still fits, even though I have lost so much weight… Don’t really know why, just happened. Perhaps I often forget to eat when I’m drunk… Looking at Kotaro, I hope I didn’t also forget to feed her. She looks thin… I pick her up and cuddle her, apologizing one hundred times for what I’ve done. I feel so terrible, forgetting about my little cat. What a wreck I am…
Suddenly I remember that Heath said we’d perform Forever Love for hide today. I am so confused, I had forgotten completely… I search for my beloved Gibson and play a few notes before I pack it away. Another swig of beer, then I leave. I call a taxi, but after a while I wonder whether I had been faster by foot. There are so many people on the streets, it’s almost frightening me. Is it all because of hide’s death? I guess so, since many girls have dyed their hair pink and are wearing either black or bright-colored clothes, just like hide did. He has had so many fans… But I’m not jealous, I’m glad I don’t… I can go everywhere without being recognized, hide however would have always been asked for autographs; he never has had his peace of mind. Maybe that had just driven him insane in the end… I would never endure things like that. I love my fans, but I need a bit of piece… I like being alone, although I often feel lonely and forgotten… Somehow I am in a conflict with myself all the time… Completely lost in my thoughts, I pay the taxi driver and get out, trying to make my way through the masses. So many people, so many flowers… It’s unbelievable… I’ve never seen anything like this.

Finally, I reach my bandmates. I’m pretty shocked as I see Yoshiki. He had been sad and desperate so often, he also had cried several times, even on stage, but this is the worst ever. He is almost bathed in tears and shaking from head to toe, he can’t even speak properly because the tears choke his voice. He looks so old, so wasted… I wonder if he had been like that the whole past few days… He had always been so emotional – just the opposite of stoic me… He’s such an image of misery; only seeing him makes me even sadder than I already am, and I have troubles holding back the tears. The whole atmosphere is so strange… All those fans kind of make me feel as if hide was still here, but on the other hand this is the first time I really realize that he’s gone… The past few days I had tried so hard to not think about it, and now it all comes back to me with one blow. With trembling fingers I search my pockets for a smoke, but I can’t find my cigarettes, must have forgotten them... Heath offers me one, and I gladly accept it. I need to calm down… Even though he is crying himself, he notices my sadness and hugs me tightly, giving me a shoulder to lean on. It’s so weird; usually it’s just the other way round - I guess he is surprised to see me in this state… Somehow I feel embarrassed…
After a while, when Yoshiki had managed to calm down at least a little, he reads his speech to the fans, begging them to be calm even though he is the most un-calm of them all. I hope he won’t do something stupid… His voice sounds strangled, and he can hardly hold the paper and his white handkerchief with those shaking hands. I feel so sorry for him… I would never be able to do this instead of him; he’s so strong, forcing himself to do that…
Afterwards, it’s time for us to perform. I believe I’ve never felt so terrible before, going out there without hide, just the four of us. He’s missing so much! I can’t hold back the tears any longer and start to cry openly, instantly blushing furiously. Through my watery eyes I take a look around me. Flowers everywhere, and in the middle of them all, hide’s guitars and a gigantic picture of him. It’s so painful…
It almost gives me a heart attack as I see the person standing behind that column. Taiji!!! That just can’t be true – it’s really him! I’ve never expected him to appear at hide’s funeral, after all those years… My heart makes a big jump, seeing my old friend again after such a long time. No matter what a great bassist and cute, nice guy Heath was, I’ll never forgive Yoshiki for kicking Taiji out of the band. He was such a wonderful man; I had loved him so much… I try not to think about Taiji and hide and concentrate on the song, but it doesn’t work at all, I can’t help but cry even harder. I’m not able to play the guitar any more, and I finally give up, letting my long hair fall into my face like a curtain in effort to hide my tears. I notice that Heath has already stopped playing as well, only Toshi and Yoshiki are still torturing themselves by carrying on singing and playing. Toshi’s singing sounds terrible, he misses half of the notes, and in-between one can hear his strangled sobs, it almost tears my heart apart. He sounds so desperate… Even Yoshiki makes mistakes now, and after a while he also stops playing, being the last one to give up. Not one of us can stand it any longer, and we hurry to get off the stage.

I pack my guitar as fast as I can and immediately search for Taiji. I just can’t miss him! After a few minutes I spot him in the middle of a crowd of people, nobody recognizing him. I also almost don’t, he looks so different now… Gone are his cowboy-looks, and gone is the broad, happy grin on his face… He’s a sad, wasted man now, just like me, nothing reminding of the strong and powerful naughty boy he used to be. It hurts to see him like this – how time changes people… I wind my way through the masses and finally reach him, embrace him tightly without a warning, my heart pounding heavily. He seems very surprised at first but then hugs me back warmly. Together we make our way out of the crowd. I still can’t do anything but standing here and cry. I feel so stupid… He lays one tattooed arm over my shoulder, looks at me for a moment and then says: “Pata-chan… Let’s go into that bar over there - you definitely need a drink…” In great discomfort I nod, trying in vain not to think about my alcohol problems. I can already feel my body’s demanding again…
We step inside the bar, selecting a small table at the rear of the room. Still I cry - I just can’t stop. I can’t remember ever having cried that much… Taiji looks at me intensely and then takes me into his arms again. It’s so comforting… I can feel his heartbeat through the still muscular chest… After a few minutes I pull away, blushing embarrassedly. “Taiji…” I murmur, almost choking on my tears. “It’s so good to see you… I… I missed you…” He is silent for a moment, then replies, his voice calm and gentle: “I also missed you… I missed all of you, the whole band… Everything, everything we used to share… the shows, the parties, even the rehearsals when Yoshiki used to shout at us and drive us like slaves… I miss everything…” He looks so sad now, his eyes full of regret and sorrow. It must’ve been a hard time for him… I wonder what he has been doing all the years… The waitress appears; Taiji orders Whiskey for both of us. “You still drink, Pata-chan, ne?” It’s not a question - it’s a statement. “Does it show?” I ask quietly. After all I stopped crying now. He only nods. I really must look terrible… “You oughta quit that… it destroys you, your soul as well as your body…” Tears well up in my eyes again, and I whisper a desperate “I can’t…” “It’s not easy, ne?” Taiji grins sadly. I look at him, noticing that he looks somehow… different… “Taiji-kun… What happened to your jaw? It looks… broken…” His grin gets a little broader, but he seems pained. “It is… Got in a nasty fight lately, some street rats…” “Gods” I gasp, “Why didn’t you go see a doctor?!” He squirms in discomfort and lowers his gaze, obviously embarrassed. After a while he speaks up, his voice not so steady anymore. “I couldn’t… Pata-chan… I couldn’t afford that… Things didn’t go too well for me… after X… my bands all were unsuccessful… They all broke up… and finally I was… out on the streets for 2 years… Always get into fights…” Hearing this, a cold shudder runs through my whole body, making me shiver. And I had thought I myself was in trouble… Poor guy… “Taiji… oh my god… Why…? I just don’t understand… You’re probably the best bassist in Japan, and…! Why could something like that happen to you…?! You still always get into troubles… But, you need to fix that jaw - it must hurt so much… You know, I could pay for you…” Surprised about my unusually long speech, I fall silent again. I’ve never seen Taiji blush in my whole life, but now he did. “Yoshiki… already offered that to me… Thank you anyway, Pata-chan… Fuck… This is so humiliating… Facing him after all those years…If it weren’t for hide’s death, I’m sure he would’ve laughed, seeing me like this…” He sounds so bitter… ”I was afraid of today… Almost thought I wouldn’t come, but that’d be betraying hide…” We both fall silent again, looking at each other and sipping our whiskey. I don’t know what to say anymore… I’ve never been good at talking, but now he has shocked me so much that I can’t say anything at all. But it’s not an uncomfortable silence, more of an understanding without words between us. Taiji had never been very talkative, just like me. We sit in this bar for a few more hours, talking a little from time to time and drinking some more Whiskey. I fact, I’m pretty drunk after a while, but I’m used to that. Most people wouldn’t even notice. I’m not that kind of a drunken man who’d start to sing and shout or provoke people. Taiji notices anyway. He knows me too damn well; I can’t hide from him. Years ago, he was the first one to notice that I’m an alcoholic. Thankfully, he had never told anybody though…Mmmh, he used to drink a lot himself… but he doesn’t seem to still do so… Oh, I wish I could also stop drinking…
After a while Taiji offers me to bring me home, and I gladly accept. I don’t feel as if I could make my way home myself. My vision is blurred and everything seems to rotate… I’m so familiar to this feeling… I even have troubles not falling off the bike, and I clutch Taiji’s body really tight. He feels so good, so warm and soft, even through his suit jacket. He looks so strange in it… I remember him wearing all kinds of shirts, leather jackets and things like that, but I’ve never seen him in a suit. Doesn’t fit him at all, just like it doesn’t fit me… We must be a very odd couple, two longhaired guys in suits on a motorbike…

We arrive in front of my apaato; Taiji helps me to get off the damn bike and embraces me a last time. I don’t want to let him go, but even in my drunken stupor I know I can’t hold him back forever. I’m almost silly enough to kiss him, but I stop just in time and instead whisper into his ear: “If you need something, just call me at any time… Please, let’s keep in touch from now on… I missed you so much…” He pats on my shoulder gently and smiles sadly. “Same for you, old boy… just tell me if you need a shoulder to cry on sometimes… I’m always here for you… You’re pretty lonely, ne? It’s not good for you…” It’s hard for me to understand him; the alcohol makes his voice seem so far away. I smile at him for a last time, then I turn around and stumble up the stairs to my apaato, where Kotaro-chan is already waiting for me. Today I won’t forget to feed her. I throw my guitar onto the bed carelessly, stagger into the kitchen to fix her food and drink, adding a few extra biscuits to apologize for previous mistakes. I only take a quick shower before I finally fall into my beloved, cozy bed, drifting away to sleep immediately.

~ OWARI ~

Author’s note: I leave it to your own imagination whether Pata is in love with Taiji or just drunk… just as you like it… Do you want a sequel? If you do, please tell me!